With the Cosby, Trump, Franken, Moore, Louis CK, Weinstein, Ailes, Conyers, Rose…outrages alive and festering, all of us in families and other organizations have a chance to learn and do better. The lessons pertain to sex, power and yet go beyond these. For reflection:
- Power infects and power protects the offenders. If the men listed above had done what they did as first line supervisors, they would have been checked more easily. So, if YOU are in power, you need to watch your “brothers,” especially your big brothers. Call it out. Who else is going to check them? Really. When Trump and Moore say, they are different than Franken and Louis CK because the latter admitted it and the former don’t admit it, you can see the problem. To whom do Trump and Moore answer? Who will hold them in check? By contrast, if it were me, my dean would have me in his office in less than a day – as indeed he should.
- It takes two. It’s nearly impossible to be taken seriously alone, especially if you’re up against power. Allies are not optional but required. If a woman (or in rare cases, a man) is talking about being abused or harassed, leadership means you need to be there, listening with an open mind and heart.
- Leadership necessitates vigilant inclusion. My brother Pat, a CEO told his employees: You don’t have to worry about any mistake you make, because it’s just a case for learning, except that which is illegal or harassing of others. For that, he told them, you will be fired. Authorities control the culture and set the tone. Do you? Do I?
- All deserve “due process.” In a civil proceeding, we have clear rules like “preponderance of the evidence,” and in a criminal proceeding, “beyond a reasonable doubt,” and a right to counsel and a jury. In the workplace and the court of public opinion there also need to be standards – both for accused and accusers. Stand for due process.
- Some problems are deeply systemic and do not yield alone to technical solutions. The evolutionary biology and cultural upbringing of men is complicated. It is great that women (and men) are speaking out about abusive behaviors. Shame and blame and punishment are appropriate sanctions for acts that cause innocent people pain, and they send an important social message. The acts of the men in the first paragraph were theirs, and so they deserve to be investigated and brought to justice. But the adaptive issues run deeper and are complicated. One such major issue is that “hurt people hurt others.” And there are a LOT of hurt boys out there. Thus,
the last point:
- Men need to talk. We need to talk about how we allow boys to be hurt – by their tough father figures, and also by women who can belittle them. How do we help these boys when they are hurt? Yes! We men need to stand with women. And yes: We also need to stand with boys. I’ve always wondered, for instance, about the deep social conscience that mourns the loss of the lives of “innocent women and girls.” What is implied in that? That men and boys aren’t innately innocent? Men are perpetrators in large part because we continue to socialize them to be able to protect, defend, control and kill – in sports, business, and of course war. We men should denounce the bullies and abusers – maybe especially when they abuse boys, some of whom will become bullies themselves.
And ALL of us men need to talk – in the first person singular – about my “dirty” little secrets. How have I been socialized – and allowed myself – and, yes, struggled with – objectifying women, fearing women, needing to control women. I have these issues. I suspect I am not alone. And, I have choices. I can project my shame, judge other evil men, quietly nod with the rightly indignant and hurt women, and thus, inadvertently heighten my individual and collective shame at being a man. I am proud to be me – and that is for me male – and parts of that are awesome, noble, powerful, and beautiful. But I need to talk with and listen to other men about the darker facets of being raised a man, otherwise I can’t really
Lead with my best self.
*I included this picture of Ed DeJesus, because he was one of the first men I had a really deep man-to-man, heart-to-heart conversation; and later I saw him talk to my son in a way that EMBODIED Ed’s incredible philosophy of supporting boys. He is with Jeff Fleischer, CEO of Youth Advocacy Programs which was started in 1975 to get juvenile boys out of adult prisons. I love this picture.